Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
