i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.