yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
worst night to have a conscience
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The feeling are messing with the penis
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
