There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL