so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
