New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
