I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
