I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
is wine microwaveable?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
