meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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