I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
