I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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