Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
