Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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