I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
