I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
