Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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