I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
