He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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