is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
