look no pants
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Less talking, more tequila
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
