Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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