If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
