I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
