Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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