I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
