Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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