My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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