I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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