The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
