I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it