if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident