My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
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I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.