On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.