it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
