Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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