It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
