So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
