how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
