I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
