This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
