The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
