i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
