Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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