Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
