So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
