i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
