Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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