that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
