Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
