I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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