A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
