I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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