I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
