Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
