Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We're too hungover to prance.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
