why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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