he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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