Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
