I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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