it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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