I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
