Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
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Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
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I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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